Trance
by telepathic-rendezvous
Summary: my version of Christian/Syed storyline post wedding
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: The characters belong exclusively to Eastenders. **

Author's Note: This is my first fanfic and I hope you like it! I really wanted to give it a try and thought what better couple to start with than cryed!

I'm planning to continue this if anyone likes it. One fanfic author I read vows to update as soon as she gets 3 reviews and won't update until then, I think that makes sense so I'm going to do the same. Thanks so much for reading! Please review!

O so they say baby for everything a reason

And those who loved before will be brought back together

Yea those who loved before will be brought back together

And so they baby for everything a reason

And so they say baby you will be brought

Brought back to me… (For everything a reason - Carina Round)

It was raining. It had been now for 3 solid weeks, I felt a hollow laugh begin to rise up my throat threatening to reveal my distraction; I hadn't been listening to anything Amira had said. I was back there again, back in that flat, in that bed, my mind played tricks on me now, for increasing seconds each morning as the light dragged me into a hell of my own making, back to my punishment for my countless sins, I was there, his arms around my waist, head nestled in the crook of my neck breathing steadily and rhythmically against my back. The dreams lasted longer now, they were all I had left so I welcomed them, looked forward to the moment my eyelids closed and my brain shut off from the world and allowed me some relief, to the only place that soothed my worthless battered soul. Only the more frequent these dreams, the harder the waking became, the harder it was to be dragged from his tender touch, his peace. The image was shattering now, random words from Amira seeping into my consciousness, like nails. I was with her now.

"Syeeed!!! Are you listening?" she wined.

"Yes princess" I lie, used to it by now.

I focus on a single drop running down the window, intent on finding myself back there, her voice beginning to fade into the background. I'm looking at him. He smiles as he sees me, beckoning me inside, I follow not caring if anyone sees me, my open smile widening as I enter his flat. He's walking up the stairs to the door and I follow, eager to see what happens next. He turns and kisses me lightly on the mouth before he laughs about something and heads to the kitchen to unpack his shopping. I stare at him dumbfounded. He's not angry, he's still laughing about something and I find myself joining in. there's a warmth in me I'm no longer used to, the sensation is strange but pleasant so I hold on to it, like I hold onto his image, my eyes never leaving his face. He's mine, it's as if none of this ever happened. I ignore my last thought, afraid that any acknowledgment of reality will ruin the bliss that is this dream. I wonder for a second if it is a dream, what if it's real? I quickly shake that from my head, it'll only make waking harder. He's looking at me now, concern in his eyes, he doesn't understand my sadness, I smile and tell him that's its nothing, I'm even lying in my dreams. His eyes tell me he doesn't believe me whilst he walks towards me frowning, he could always read me. I hate that. His hand rests on my cheek as he asks me again. I freeze afraid. I can't tell him. Suddenly his eyes dim, that beautiful green begins to slip from my view, I'm waking. I reach forward to kiss him, hoping that the contact will keep me there, keep me his. At the very least I could say goodbye. I wake remembering my wedding day, his eyes glistening with moisture from the tears that I caused, the memory is so vivid I can feel the wetness of those tears. I sit there reliving the pain in the darkness. Gentle breaths expel from the body laying on the opposite side of the bed, I lean over to make sure I haven't disturbed her peaceful slumber, I feel that dampness again and I realise those tears are my own.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: I own nothing!

AN: Do you _need_ a time frame? Please tell me if you think that you do… I can't decide whether or not it's necessary. Special thanks to **We are all fools in love** for reviewing the last chapter! Shame faced about missing the h out of chyred in the previous chapter. Will proof read more closely in the future x

**Feels like home**

**Chapter 2**

Green eyes stare at me. I avoid his gaze, ashamed at the warm feeling returning to my stomach. I had no right to feel like this anymore, to feel the joy that his touch emits. He isn't mine. And I'm…

***

"I'm fine. You?" Cheeks protest at my brains attempts at a contorted smile. I ask not really wanting to know the answer, I'm willing him to say he's fine but dread it all the same. Part of me wants him to feel the same as I do, that

bittersweet mixture of undiluted joy and unequivocal misery at seeing his face, his lips. Those eyes. I push it down. I didn't want him in pain. This hell was my own making, my burden to bear.

"Yea yea I'm good thanks. Look listen…" he stops, his eyes searching my own.

I hold my breath, not sure whether to turn and run or stay and wait to hear what he has to say, I look up into the green, digging fingernails into my own palms. My heart pounding so hard I'm sure he can hear. Why am I so weak?

I know now that whatever he says will make no difference, not really, I know I'll dismiss it and make my excuses to leave, he's affecting me even now with the respectable distance he keeps between us. My mouth dries and for the

first time since the wedding I maintain eye contact. He deserves that much. Wet begins to coat my palm and I realise the nails have broken skin; I relish in the pain, it grounds me, keeps me here; the delusions at bay.

"Syed I… I just want you to know, I'm here for you if you ever need to talk." warm green drinkable eyes reel me in, mouth parts in concerned smile, I don't like that smile. I search the corner of his lips hoping to find the evidence

of joy of happiness, his eyes to find a crinkle… warm unconditional love and concern emanate from each and every pore of his body towards me. I step back. My eyes fall, green replaced by grey, the concrete welcomes me, it is my

friend, my mind searches for excuses but its littered by the memories just created, his eyes, his voice, the way he looks at me as though I'll break. Fragile. I turn on my heel and walk. I hate myself for this; I don't deserve his love,

why can't he see that. I pick up speed; his calls steadily fade now the greater the distance between us. I sit on the train; heart beating so fast it's as if it's attempting to escape to return to his home, to him, where it's safe. It isn't

safe with me anymore, its sick of my abuse. I lean back now and stare at the window opposite me fading away the faces that stare towards me as I reach for my delusions to lull my wretched heart to sleep, to calm it as you would a child.

***

_Warm hand trails cold and I feel the electricity again. I'm alive, he's here, he's real. I delve into that warm for a little longer before I rest my eyes on his. His fingers woven in mine, I close my hand taking his fingers prisoner. I won't _

_let go. A gentle breath escapes my lips as I sigh in contentment. Complete in the knowledge that my feelings are his own. I smile wide and open, ecstasy escaping my brown eyes as they lock on his green. He stares as if he's _

_searching for something, seeing past me. I'm naked when he looks at me that way. No barriers, no lies, just me. For better. For worse. He fingers my wedding finger, there's no ring there, no pale skin illuminating its absence. It _

_was never there. I gaze down at his fingers gingerly playing with mine, whilst his right hand is trapped in my left. A dispute is breaking out further down the carriage but I don't hear them. The warmth of his touch binds me to his _

_side. A sudden realisation dawns, he is mine and I am his. His fingers stray from my hand now as they search out my face. His thumb gently tracing my mouth, green locked on brown, I know he's asking me if this is alright. I open _

_my mouth slightly and envelop his thumb, so slowly I'm almost not moving. He smiles wickedly, joy reaching his eyes; he's beautiful. I feel their eyes on me as I realise his thumb is still in mouth. We're still on a train. I feel self _

_conscious but I push that aside, I don't want him to have to take care of me anymore, I don't want him to have to hide who is or what he feels, I live for those eyes as they are at this precise moment, the liquid warmth I melt into, _

_the light he gives only to me, the devilish glint when he's aroused. I push it down. Keeping his hand locked in mine I stand up pulling him towards me and giving him a chaste kiss before we step off the train and onto the platform. _

_It's his birthday and I want to do something special. _

****

Please review. Pretty please with a cherry on top x


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